INTJ Mantra: Everything is connected, mostly by stupidity
You can see the scaffolding behind everything: rules, hierarchies, mechanics. You see this underlying layer because you either built it or inadvertantly noticed everything wrong with it. That’s just how you are - constantly looking for the underlying logic.
But INTJs build systems as scaffolding for others, not themselves. You know too well how systems trap people. Once a system starts running, it becomes either monotonous, or interesting only in the way it disintegrates from human error. That’s why anyone who can construct a system would suffocate operating inside one.
But what about relationships?
INTJs recognize family roles, unspoken rules, and cycles of behavioral long before others. Kids don’t have a vocabulary for systemic stupidity, but they can perceive when family dynamics are unjust or inefficient.
An INTJ’s first instinct is to improve the system. But family is the first lesson in the futility of optimizing the unfixable. Family systems are not logical. They run on emotion, guilt, obligation, and tradition — all things INTJs have limited patience for.
So why not just cut the family off? If anyone can do it, it’s the INTJ. After all, the family system violates your core value of efficiency. But you also value loyalty and continuity, which makes cutting off family more messy than you might imagine at first.
Here’s the INTJ compromise: stop trying to fix the system, and start managing your role within it. Hold your boundaries, but keep them porous. This allows you to learn to be part of a system without letting the system control you. And, interestingly, experiencing this position yourself will make you better at building systems that do not swallow other people.
This is so right on! I went to live with my Dad's family at age 11. He had remarried a woman with 4 children and they had 2 daughters together. It was a very professional and on the outside looking good family but I saw how dysfunctional it was and felt it was my mission (at age 11) to bring some semblance of sanity to the whole group. I soon realized I couldn't offer much except some support to certain individuals. I maintained a relationship with all of them for the rest of their lives and became very close to one of my half sisters. Your insight about dealing with systems and relationships is very helpful. Thank you! It explains a lot about how I have managed in life.
Excellent post, thank you for articulating this! I find the biggest struggle of my life is learning to let go of the need to constantly assess and analyze and keep score (i.e. the inclination to be my 'scientist' self) when I'm with family/close friends. I will say that when I'm able to successfully do it, I usually have a much better time.